"Once upon a time..."

This morning my daughter, Cora, “read” us a story from the Bible. It mostly consisted of “a little man named Mike” battling it out with “crocodiles, alligators, monsters, and bad people” in an “apple house.” In the end the monster ate all of the people, except Mike his brothers, sisters and kids. Josh and I were trying hard not to laugh at her as she told us this fantastic, random tale of woe. We didn’t want her to stop because she thought we were making fun of her.

This Saturday morning scene got me thinking about imagination. When I was little I could stay in my grandparent’s pool all day coming up with stories about being a mermaid and having tea parties on the pool floor. Or those times when I would play in our backyard with the neighbor kids and we’d pretend to be princesses and pirates and “the mom.” When did my ability to believe in the extraordinary disappear? Slowly as I matured I started feeling like it wasn’t ok to think about what could be and instead started planning for what seemed to be.

The Bible tells me in Ephesians 3:20 that God is able to go abundantly beyond what I could think or imagine. Not to take the verse out of context, Paul writes in the verses before about his prayer for the Ephesians that they would be strengthened in the Spirit and able to comprehend the love that Christ has for them, which surpasses knowledge. Paul closes the chapter by saying that all of this power, knowledge, love and action is for the furtherance of God’s glory.

So, does my reluctance to ask or imagine the implausible from God come from a lack of knowledge of Christ’s love for me? As adults too often we’re afraid to wish and hope for things; to dream about what our future could be. The responsibilities of life take over and our focus becomes paying the bills for the month and hoping to retire someday.

Although it has become somewhat diminished, my natural tendency is to think about, plan for and dream of what’s next. I still think about what could be, but not always with the expectation that God will allow it to happen. I’ve lost the inkling of how much Christ loves me – which is enough to make my seemingly impossible dreams become a reality.

Not to go to the other extreme, I don’t see this verse as a promise that God will make whatever I think up happen. I do see it saying that if I have strength through the Spirit and a relationship with Christ the things I ask and imagine will be small compared to what He has for me. So here’s a few of the dreams I feel like God has given me over the years, listed with a hope that He will actually bring it to fruition:

• Work as a missionary in France.
• Have a retreat center that provides a free escape for people in ministry to prevent burnout.
• Write and speak more.

But not all of my dreams are for me. These are the ones I have for Josh:

• Have the ability to play and share the music he’s written with others
• Live in a house at the base of the mountains by a lake…hmm this one seems to fit with my retreat center dream. :) 

So what dreams do you have that feel like they’re too much to hope for?

Slightly Late New Year's Resolution

It’s that time again…when everyone lists the things that they don’t like about themselves and want to change.

So, what’s it gonna be for me this year?

Lose weight…well, that’s not possible until after June because of the small child growing inside of me. But, I could always eat healthier and exercise more.

How about commit to spending daily quiet times so that my relationship with God increases? That’s a good one…but what I don’t need more of is guilt, which would be the inevitable result of that resolution because realistically a pregnant mother of three small children isn’t guaranteed a “quiet time” each day.

Ok, what’s next? Be a better steward of my finances…that’s usually at the top of the list. That’s something that I’ve been working on, of necessity, since I quit my job and became a full-time stay-at-home mom. I clip coupons, make a budget and actually end up saving a lot -- $100 at my last grocery trip. So I think I’m doing ok there.

So what do I feel like my resolution for this year should be?

I’m going to cut myself some slack.

For those of you who don’t know me that well, I am a perfectionist. Constant feelings that I should be doing more or doing better plague me. So, this year I’m resolving that I am doing good enough.

Wow! That’s hard to write. Now I feel like this is an excuse to not grow or improve. It’s not that. I just want to have a realistic view of what I’m capable of in this time of my life.

Since I started writing a year ago I have noticed a theme in what I put out there for others. Almost everything I write is related to some sort of change that I want to make in my life. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think that the Christian life should be one of perpetual growth and improvement.

However, the Christian life is also one of grace. Too often I focus on the things I’m supposed to do and the person I’m supposed to be. While I believe that all of the prompts towards change in my life have been from God, I think that the guilt and shame I feel accompanying them are not.

I’d like this year to be a year of grace for me, one where I acknowledge my inability to do everything and be everything. This has already begun as a result of the sickness I experienced in the first trimester and I know that what I’m capable of physically and mentally is only going to diminish as my pregnancy progresses. After that, of course, I’ll have a new baby to add into the mix of an already crazy household.

So that’s mine, what’s your New Year’s Resolution?

Something to Say...

My goodness! Has it really been a month since I last posted something here?! I knew that it had been awhile, but that’s embarrassing. At this point I’m sure those of you who were reading this have stopped checking in…

Part of the reason I haven’t posted anything in a while has been my current pregnancy. For a good three weeks there I was pretty sick and didn’t have the energy or ability to do anything other than lay on the couch and moan. But, here I am 16 weeks pregnant and, for the most part, the nausea has passed. I’m also feeling a renewing of my energy now that the 1^st trimester is over and done with.

To be honest though, the main reason that I haven’t posted anything here, or really written anything at all, is plain lack of inspiration. I started this blog to write about the experiences and insights God was giving me as I went through my daily life as a stay-at-home mom. My main goal was for it to be an outlet for me and a way to feel like I’m interacting with and contributing to adult society.

A few years ago I wrote a piece for Radiant magazines’ website about “essential distance.” The idea behind it was that all Christians go through times where they feel separated from God and that instead of feeling guilty we should embrace them as opportunities to realize how much we need Him and that we should use them to strengthen our walk with Him. I likened it to my marriage and how in those times when I feel distant from Josh I strive to return to a place where communication is open and frequent. I feel like I’m going through a time of “essential distance” with God right now and have yet to come out of it. I know God is there; that He hasn’t moved. My receptors just seem to be down.

My times of devotion fall flat. My prayers seem to be bouncing off the ceiling back at me. My spirit is left feeling dry and empty. I am set adrift and feel lost.

This is the main reason a month has gone by with nothing said…I have nothing to say. However, just as I realized years ago, this time of distance and silence from God is pushing me to remove the barriers I’ve allowed to grow between us. There are distractions that I have given higher priority to in my life than my time with Him. There are lies from the enemy that I have let myself believe.

This “essential distance” is now a catalyst to break down those barriers, remove those distractions and disclose those lies. This isn’t something that I can do on my own or through sheer will power. I believe that God was allowing me to choose my path, while still holding me in His hand, and has revealed these things to me now that I’m feeling isolated from Him. He is, and always has been, right by my side. He was just letting me exert my independence and discover once again just how much I need Him in every area of my life.

So now comes the hard part of breaking through the silence and working my way back to God. But, isn’t something worked for valued more than something dropped in your lap?

Finding Balance

Lately God’s been talking to me a lot about balance. I think it all started with the Target Commercial leading up to Black Friday. The commercials featured two sisters preparing for their Black Friday shopping. One sister was manic about Christmas and needed everything to be perfect and better than anyone else. The other sister was more laid back and lazy about it. As I watched those commercials I found that I identified with both. I feel the tendency to be perfect and make everything a competition lurking inside me. But, I also find myself laughing at that impulse and feeling like it’s all too much work.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve discovered this tension within myself. I seem to spend my time on one extreme end of the spectrum or the other; never able to just rest myself on the fulcrum between. I’m overly social – having to spend every night with friends. Then I become a hermit and don’t want to leave my house or see anyone. I become indulgent and spend way too much money on going out to eat, shopping and splurges. Then I become a tightwad and won’t spend a cent on anything or anyone. I commit myself to spending daily time with God and find myself drawing closer to Him and growing in my knowledge of Him as I have meaningful times of devotion and worship. Then I’ll go weeks…months…without opening my Bible.

This inability to find a middle ground is unsettling at the least. I understand that there’s a natural cycle to life…an ebb and flow to our routines and habits. But does it have to be so extreme?! I don’t believe it does and I feel like God has shown this to me to help me learn to find my center in Him and find balance.

James 1 speaks against being double-minded. James says, The man who doubts “should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” (v 7-8) Now James is talking specifically about someone who doubts when they ask God for wisdom, but I feel like this correlates to what God’s been showing me. When I allow myself to live at extremes I am unstable and double-minded in how I’m living. I don’t expect that there won’t be days where I feel more social than others or have more consistent times of devotions than others. What I feel God’s calling me to is to make them “days” that are different instead of whole periods of time.

So, instead of identifying with both Target sisters because I can be each of them at different times, I want to find the middle ground between the crazy, perfectionist and the lazy, just-get-byer.

Finding the Strength in Dependence

I hate asking for help. I hate letting people help me, even when I don’t ask for it. I’ve always been an absurdly independent person. My first sentence as a child was, “Sissa do it self.” That has made my present situation all the more difficult.

As most of you know, I am pregnant with our fourth child. As excited as I am for this new addition to our household, my pregnancy so far has taken a real toll on my body, life, and family. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been lucky if I eat one meal a day; mostly my diet has consisted of crackers and fluids. Despite the anti-nausea medication my doctor prescribed I’m spending most of my day plagued by a constant queasy feeling in my stomach. This, plus the normal fatigue of the first trimester, is making it hard for me to keep up with my stay-at-home mommy responsibilities. I’m embarrassed at the amount of TV my children have watched and, for someone who prides themselves on making yummy meals, we’ve eaten a lot of sandwiches and Mac n’Cheese. I know I don’t need to feel guilty about any of this, it’s just been hard for me to admit that I need help.

It’s always amazing to me how well God knows me and takes care of me. He provides for my needs that I don’t even ask for help with. He knew how bad I felt that my children weren’t getting to go out and play as much as before and He provided me with my neighbor, Pio, who stays home during the day with his 2-1/2 year old daughter. Pio has taken Eli & Cora over to his house multiple times in the last couple weeks. He plays soccer with Eli and has even made them lunch a couple of times. Physically I was feeling so sick and tired that I wasn’t able to even attempt the feeble protest that I normally would have felt obligated to make at Pio’s generosity. God has also provided for me through another one of my neighbors, a former missionary who I don’t really know that well. This man works the graveyard shift as a security guard at Disneyland. Whenever I see him he asks me how I’m feeling and what he can pray for me about. Every night while he’s at work he prays for people and he said God put me on his heart to pray for. I don’t pray for myself everyday, but this man I barely know is lifting me up before God on a daily basis.

Then there’s my husband. Josh is doing so much right now, which makes it harder for me to ask him for help. I know how tired he is after work, how much homework he has to do each night and that he isn’t getting much down time for himself right now. Still, everyday before he leaves work he asks me if I want him to bring something home for dinner. On Wednesday, even though he’d been up since 5 AM, he stopped at the grocery store after his cooking class got out (10:30 PM) because he knew I was out of crackers and juice. He doesn’t complain about how messy the house is or that he doesn’t have any clean clothes because I didn’t have the energy to get to the laundry. He is patient and generous and wonderful to me.

This is a hard time right now, but I know that God is walking with me and teaching me to be more dependent on Him and others and less self-reliant. I guess I’m learning that strength isn’t always doing things on your own, it’s knowing when to let others help you. Plus, as miserable as I feel, I’m comforted by the thought that it’s all for a purpose and it’ll be over in 7 more months.