Finding Balance

Lately God’s been talking to me a lot about balance. I think it all started with the Target Commercial leading up to Black Friday. The commercials featured two sisters preparing for their Black Friday shopping. One sister was manic about Christmas and needed everything to be perfect and better than anyone else. The other sister was more laid back and lazy about it. As I watched those commercials I found that I identified with both. I feel the tendency to be perfect and make everything a competition lurking inside me. But, I also find myself laughing at that impulse and feeling like it’s all too much work.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve discovered this tension within myself. I seem to spend my time on one extreme end of the spectrum or the other; never able to just rest myself on the fulcrum between. I’m overly social – having to spend every night with friends. Then I become a hermit and don’t want to leave my house or see anyone. I become indulgent and spend way too much money on going out to eat, shopping and splurges. Then I become a tightwad and won’t spend a cent on anything or anyone. I commit myself to spending daily time with God and find myself drawing closer to Him and growing in my knowledge of Him as I have meaningful times of devotion and worship. Then I’ll go weeks…months…without opening my Bible.

This inability to find a middle ground is unsettling at the least. I understand that there’s a natural cycle to life…an ebb and flow to our routines and habits. But does it have to be so extreme?! I don’t believe it does and I feel like God has shown this to me to help me learn to find my center in Him and find balance.

James 1 speaks against being double-minded. James says, The man who doubts “should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.” (v 7-8) Now James is talking specifically about someone who doubts when they ask God for wisdom, but I feel like this correlates to what God’s been showing me. When I allow myself to live at extremes I am unstable and double-minded in how I’m living. I don’t expect that there won’t be days where I feel more social than others or have more consistent times of devotions than others. What I feel God’s calling me to is to make them “days” that are different instead of whole periods of time.

So, instead of identifying with both Target sisters because I can be each of them at different times, I want to find the middle ground between the crazy, perfectionist and the lazy, just-get-byer.

Finding the Strength in Dependence

I hate asking for help. I hate letting people help me, even when I don’t ask for it. I’ve always been an absurdly independent person. My first sentence as a child was, “Sissa do it self.” That has made my present situation all the more difficult.

As most of you know, I am pregnant with our fourth child. As excited as I am for this new addition to our household, my pregnancy so far has taken a real toll on my body, life, and family. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been lucky if I eat one meal a day; mostly my diet has consisted of crackers and fluids. Despite the anti-nausea medication my doctor prescribed I’m spending most of my day plagued by a constant queasy feeling in my stomach. This, plus the normal fatigue of the first trimester, is making it hard for me to keep up with my stay-at-home mommy responsibilities. I’m embarrassed at the amount of TV my children have watched and, for someone who prides themselves on making yummy meals, we’ve eaten a lot of sandwiches and Mac n’Cheese. I know I don’t need to feel guilty about any of this, it’s just been hard for me to admit that I need help.

It’s always amazing to me how well God knows me and takes care of me. He provides for my needs that I don’t even ask for help with. He knew how bad I felt that my children weren’t getting to go out and play as much as before and He provided me with my neighbor, Pio, who stays home during the day with his 2-1/2 year old daughter. Pio has taken Eli & Cora over to his house multiple times in the last couple weeks. He plays soccer with Eli and has even made them lunch a couple of times. Physically I was feeling so sick and tired that I wasn’t able to even attempt the feeble protest that I normally would have felt obligated to make at Pio’s generosity. God has also provided for me through another one of my neighbors, a former missionary who I don’t really know that well. This man works the graveyard shift as a security guard at Disneyland. Whenever I see him he asks me how I’m feeling and what he can pray for me about. Every night while he’s at work he prays for people and he said God put me on his heart to pray for. I don’t pray for myself everyday, but this man I barely know is lifting me up before God on a daily basis.

Then there’s my husband. Josh is doing so much right now, which makes it harder for me to ask him for help. I know how tired he is after work, how much homework he has to do each night and that he isn’t getting much down time for himself right now. Still, everyday before he leaves work he asks me if I want him to bring something home for dinner. On Wednesday, even though he’d been up since 5 AM, he stopped at the grocery store after his cooking class got out (10:30 PM) because he knew I was out of crackers and juice. He doesn’t complain about how messy the house is or that he doesn’t have any clean clothes because I didn’t have the energy to get to the laundry. He is patient and generous and wonderful to me.

This is a hard time right now, but I know that God is walking with me and teaching me to be more dependent on Him and others and less self-reliant. I guess I’m learning that strength isn’t always doing things on your own, it’s knowing when to let others help you. Plus, as miserable as I feel, I’m comforted by the thought that it’s all for a purpose and it’ll be over in 7 more months.

Music Memories

The other day I was driving to go pick up Josh from work and listening to a playlist on my iPhone. The kids were in the back seat chattering away and I was feeling mentally exhausted. The song changed and “A Long December” by Counting Crows came on. Suddenly I was 17-years-old and driving my little, blue Geo Metro. Instead of a backseat full of children, I had a group of my friends with me. We are all laughing and singing along to the song. As the song continued to play, I felt memory after memory of high school wash over me. Friends I hadn’t thought about it years, the emotions of being in a new relationship with Josh, and the carefree ability we had to go where we wanted whenever we wanted. Everything seemed young and fresh and fun.

Again the song changed and this time “Babylon” by David Gray brought me to my first year of marriage. The coziness of our loft apartment in Federal Way surrounded me as I remembered listening to the song while I cleaned on my day off. I could picture our cats sitting on the couches and a fire in our little pink fireplace as the rain came down outside. Our marriage was new and sparkly and it felt more like make believe than reality.

With a third song, “Yellow” by Coldplay, I am engaged and visiting Josh in California. We are driving down the freeway and excited to see each other after a month’s separation; what seemed like an eternity to me at the time. We are in love and excited for what the future holds. We talk about what our wedding will be like and he tells me about how this song, that I’d never heard, always makes him think of me.

Then, I realize something about all of the memories that these songs are calling forth; they’re all softened by time, rose-tinted. The worries, fears and stresses that I was dealing with are minimized in the remembrance of the small joys I experienced. Laughing with friends, cleaning my house and planning a wedding replace the broken relationships of high school, the cancer my Grandma was battling during my engagement and the difficulties of the first year of marriage.

It made me think about how I view my life now and how I’ll view it in a few years. What song will bring me back to this time when my kids are young and I get to spend each day with them? I realize that the joy of hearing them play together, the sweetness of baby arms wrapped around my neck and the excitement of celebrating their small victories will someday minimize the stress of finances, neverending household chores and being frustratingly overwhelmed.

I silently pray, “Dear God, please help me to recognize and appreciate the things of today as I’m living it, instead of tomorrow when I’m remembering it. Help me to have a softened, rose-tinted view of my life and acknowledge the joys that surround me.”

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

It’s Christmas morning and I go to open the giant box that my mother-in-law sent us. As usual, she’s drawn little cartoons and written notes all over the outside of the box. I slit the packing tape with a kitchen knife, expecting to find a number of smaller packages wrapped in tissue paper with nametags attached to them. Instead I find…a Jack LaLanne Power Juicer. What?!

Now don’t get me wrong, this is a wonderful juicer. It can take whole carrots, oranges, apples, anything and turn it into a nutritious and delicious beverage. I’m sure that someone who is into juicing would have been very excited about it. I am not one of those people. I have never juiced anything in my life and it’s not something I have a desire to start doing.

Josh and I looked at each other in confusion. Huh? A juicer? By this time the kids are excited to open more presents, so the juicer gets set aside. An hour later, all the presents are open and it’s time to call people to wish them a Merry Christmas.

Janet answers the phone in two rings and the first thing she says is, “How do you like the juicer? Did you see that it came with the bonus accessory kit?” Stumped for an answer, Josh acknowledges that we saw the bonus kit and asks what made her think of getting a juicer for us. His mom explains that she had gotten one for each of his two sisters and us because they were a great way to get all your fruits and vegetables quickly and efficiently. Josh thanks her for thinking of us and then lets the kids chatter away to their grandma on the phone.

So this juicer has sat, unused, in my garage for the last two years. It’s dusty, neglected, and forlorn. It’s a fully functional appliance, but I don’t see any value in it. To me it’s useless. Sometimes that’s how I feel about the gifts God has given me. You look at a newborn baby, excited at all the potential gifts that God has placed inside them and eagerly watch as these gifts come out as the child grows to adulthood. I feel like I’m a juicer. My gifts and talents, in contrast to those of the people around me, seem efficient and good for your health.

I know you are…

I look at Josh and see the creativity and gifting God has given him for music. He can sit down with his guitar and create music that inspires people, evokes emotion and worships God. If I sit down with the guitar I can play three chords and those not very well.

I look at my friend Judah, who is the youth pastor at our church. He has a passion and a talent for art. He can create paintings that he then sells to benefit anti-slave trafficking charities. He decorates his home and office to create an atmosphere that is warm and inviting. He uses his artistic abilities to glorify God and create awareness about the injustices that occur in today’s society. If I wanted to paint a picture it would have to be a paint-by-number and no one would want to buy it.

I look at my friend Dee. She seems to excel at everything she puts her hand to: photography, quilting, decorating, and even raising chickens. She has this personality that invites you in and quiets your soul. She is a nurturer and a mother to so many people in her life. She inspires me just by being her.

But what am I?

Then I look at myself. I’m good at administration and organizing things. But that seems like such a boring gift. I don’t see any value in the gifts God has given me; like my juicer, I see it as useless. I see the gifts that my friends have and I wish God had given me that instead of what I’ve received.

Someone once said to me that it’s hard to recognize the gifts God has given you because they come naturally to you. I don’t see my gifts from God as a valuable contribution because I assume everyone can do it as easily as I do. I see the things that are hard for me and admire those abilities in others. I can easily recognize their gifts, but not my own.

Then I look once again at my husband and my friends. I look at them and compare them to me for a second time. This time I notice that the things that come easily to me are difficult for them. My husband is awful at time management and organizing things. He calls me his “wifetary.” The same is true for my friends. Where they are weak, I am strong. And it’s not just in the “boring” gifts I have of administration and organization. I find that another thing that comes naturally to me, opening my home and providing meals for people, is an area that they see as a gift in me.

I’ve always been told that it’s not good to compare our gifts and abilities with others because we all have unique and valuable things to contribute to the kingdom of God. But I think that in this instance comparison has helped me to see value in what I’ve been given.

It’s like when we were selling our home. The realtor did an appraisal of our neighborhood to help us establish the value of our home. The need for an appraisal arose because no two properties are exactly alike which means that there cannot be a set measurement of value. The value of my gifts goes up, for me, when I recognize how uniquely I am designed by God.

We are the body of Christ and we all have different functions to perform that lead to the betterment of the body. One gift isn’t better than another; it’s just different. I began to see that the gifts I had received from God, when He formed me in my mother’s womb, were important to Him and His plan for me to have. As I look around and see the abilities God has given to my friends and family I now glorify God for the creativity He had in creating us and for the unique way He made me.

God knew what was best for me; what would improve the life He has planned here for me on earth. Just like my mother-in-law, He wants to provide me with the tools to better my life. My mother-in-law saw the value in a juicer because, if used regularly, it can improve your health and give you energy. To me, the juicer was useless and there were other gifts I’d like better. Although I might still also feel that way about some of the gifts God’s given me, I realize that it’s important to use them and see the value in them as well as recognize how my contributions are unique.

The Great Battle of '09

My house has become a war-zone! It’s me against the germs! And unfortunately, right now the germs are winning.

The last three weeks has been filled with sickness. Snotty noses, fevers, sore throats…and the kids are not feeling well either.

When I feel like this, it’s hard for me to remember I’m the mommy. I just want to curl up in my bed with some tea and a good book and stay there. Instead, I have three children who need food, entertainment, questions answered and bottoms wiped.

Tuesday night I had a mental breakdown. I would be embarrassed for anyone to have seen the way I was acting; I was embarrassed that my husband had to see it. I threw a full-on hissy fit; there was crying, screaming and I think I actually kicked my feet. My husband took one look at me and quickly ushered our children out of the room. What was the source of my anger? The crib was broken and wouldn’t go back together. That’s it. My son doesn’t even sleep in that crib right now. But, it was vitally important to me that I fix it before my daughter could go to sleep in her room.

Much humbled, I came out of the room (after fixing the crib) and picked up our youngest to nurse him to sleep. My husband silently took our daughter in her room to put her to sleep, then (silently) came back out to finish his homework. I sat there, crying and nursing, knowing I had been selfish and immature.

An hour later when we went to bed I apologized to my husband for losing it and I started crying again. That’s when it hit me: I’m the adult. I’m the mommy. It doesn’t matter how sick I am, and how much I want my mommy. My children are reaching the age where they’re going to start remembering things. I am the mommy in their memories. I can’t act like the child I feel inside. I need to make sure their needs are just as important, if not more important, than my own.

So, I’m taking on the spirit of Philippians 2:3-4:

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”

I know that although my mom and dad are miles away from me right now, I have a heavenly Father who sees my needs and is able to meet them even better than my earthly parents could if they were here. He will bless me, care for me, help me as I bless, care for and help my children that He’s given me…I’m really hoping we all feel better soon though!